epilogues

Apr. 19, 2007 - 9:05 pm

So.... I borrowed this laptop on Tuesday, and there's an email from Lisa... sigh.

Before I get started, I want to apologize in advance for anyone here I may offend; it is not my intent to trash religion in any way, shape or form. I've got my own beliefs, we all do. I believe in God and my salvation, but it's a private thing between myself and Him. 'nuff said.

As I have stated, I told her at the dinner last week that I was thinking about attending church regularly again, and she wanted me to come with her *eyeroll.*

That was number one... she's going to the Crystal Cathedral each week; it's a beautiful place, and who am *I* to cast aspersions (and I'm not), since I am going in that direction myself... it was the "invite your ex-bf to go to church with you thing" that was weird.

So I see the email, and before I even read it I decided I was going to let her know I was coming by on Friday to tell her to leave me alone. As I said, I always felt it was childish to do in an email; I figured we were again at our end, and I wouldn't have to. Phone would be OK, but in person was preferable and more respectful.

So I open the email... Lisa sends me a link to the following... just the name is enough.

http://www.createyoursoulmatenow.com/

Yeah.

There was also a link to a book,

and she said she was going to make me a copy of the following most-influential to her movie.

Taken individually, these could be seen as her searching for herself, self-help kind of stuff. Taken together along with the church thing (again... nothing wrong with Church), I thought... my God... I drove this poor woman over the edge last year.

And I started to actually get scared.

When the next email from her showed up Wednesday, linking to a video conference for the soulmate website, I decided NOT to go by her house... what might she do when I tell her flat-out to stop contacting me? So I searched my memory until I could remember her phone number, and I called her... not leaving a voicemail.

She called me back about a half-hour later (last night), saying she "wasn't able to answer the phone" when I called. I didn't ask her to elaborate. I was in my coworkers room, using this laptop to check out my match/eharmony stuff (more on that later), so I basically ran back to my room, as I had a few notes for the way the convo had to go.

I won't write down the notes, or the exact convo, but I covered the following bases:

I told her what a great time I had at dinner, and that the reason I was so excited was because she had finally gotten past the point of not being able to hear my voice, and I felt we could get our closure on.

I apologized for kissing her, noting that if I gave her *any* indication that I wanted to rekindle things, I was sorry. I told her I saw no future for any "us," either now or ever, and that I wasn't trying to restart things. She agreed, and I didn't pursue any of the myriad things she had said that deny all that, just saying, "Well, we agree on that then." When I told her that all the reasons we had broken up were still there, she wanted to know what they were. I told her that they didn't matter, as we weren't going to be together anyway, and I certainly didn't want her going away from this conversation hating me again.

I did note to her that I hadn't been sleeping lately, and she wondered why... I told her I didn't know, but I think I do (more on that later). I just mentioned that I was worried she was expecting me to come in and start things up again, and she said she didn't. My reply again, "Well, we agree on that then."

I told her that I thought she deserved a personal contact, rather than an email, but that I really didn't see any contact for us in the future, and in fact I knew that such contact would be detrimental to my emotional and mental well-being. She just said she wanted to "share" the things that had helped her out over the last year, as she thinks I need much help (again with the judgmentalism). She said for me to contact her whenever I felt the need (again with the open door...), but I told that wasn't in the cards. I told her that I had been planning on calling her to wish her a Happy Birthday this coming July when she turns 40, but the Happy Birthday wishes now were going to have to do, as I didn't think I was going to contact her. She thanked me, told me to call should I need to, and said goodbye.

Hopefully that's it.

I had the conversation I needed to, I gave her "outs" so she could save face with herself, and it's done. I'm not scared any more; I don't think she's a psycho, just someone who had her heart broken and needed a LOT of help to get over it. I didn't mean to break her heart, just break up with her. Obviously, I'm not responsible for her methods of recovery, I'm just glad to have her out of my life, with a smile on my face finally.

I *do* know why the sleep wasn't happening though... it was, as Nikki said, my being conflicted. Despite knowing that we have and had no future, despite knowing with every fiber of my being that we could not and would not get back together *ever* under *any* circumstances, there was a small part of me that still wanted to. That's why I decided before I even saw her I was going to tell her how awesome she looked... that's why I kissed her, a decision I had made before she even walked into the restaurant, most likely. That part was NEVER going to win out; all those reasons we broke up (and now even more!) are still there. But I know it was down there somewhere.

On Monday as I was packing up for this conference, I was thinking about this whole situation as I went about gathering my things. As I went into the bathroom, I reached onto the top shelf, as I remembered a couple things Lisa had bought me which I hadn't had the heart to throw away at the time. They were from a client of hers; little silver charms that said "Love" and "Forever." I took them off my keychain when I got home the night we broke up. They were still there in the medicine cabinet, and I put them back. Going with what someone once told me on releasing the past, and the hurt, and the thoughts and feelings, I think this weekend I will take these charms and tie them to a couple balloons, and watch them float out of my life...

It's strange in that I have been looking at moving into the next phase of my life for the last couple months or so... I really do think all this was necessary for me to open that door on this next part, and be emotionally and mentally ready to walk through when the time came. That time is now, and I think I can really do this right now that I have taken care of what needed to be done with Lisa. Like I said last week (before she called me after the dinner)... I can now use this as an epilogue to this part of my life... I think I have learned a lot over the past few weeks and months, and this last year has been so good to me.

Onward and upwards... More on the Match thing later...