getting something out

Apr. 25, 2007 - 12:37 pm

I've been emailing a friend about our pending dates, matches, STD testing, what have you, and something that I had buried a long time ago came rushing to the surface. Want to just cut&paste (with a few additions for clarification), as I don't think I want to address it directly again...

...As far as the testing goes, yeah... it's a sad reality, but needs to be done. And in thinking about Lisa, it's really something I need to be sure of; she was definitely a "screw anything that strikes her fancy" kind of gal before we met (and after, apparently). I don't *think* it was "during" as well, but I can't be certain. Sex just doesn't have the same level of emotional attachment for her it does for me... and that makes me a little sad, even now. I just don't know if how much she adored me (and everyone could tell) could override something like that, so hard-wired into her.

My sneaking suspicion is "not;" I probably wasn't talking to you as much back then, but one thing always stuck with me, and was sort of the beginning (middle, actually... beginning is a long story) of the end. I haven't thought about this since right after we broke up, so this has been inside me for about a year... she asked me to check out her laptop, and I had to find some software online to run. As is my wont, I just grabbed the pulldown history bar out of force of habit, to go to a site... Obviously, it wouldn't have worked, since it wasn't *my* history, but like I said... force of habit. I discovered quite by accident that she had been frequenting Match again. She said for me not to worry, but didn't explain further than that she loved me and was *not* looking for anything else... grabbed my face with both hands and looked me right in the eye to make certain, even. I of course said she was free to do what she wanted, and it didn't bother me... but looking back now, obviously it did. If it ever happens again in the future with another woman at that point in our relationship, I'm done immediately. Things wound up stringing along for six more months, but looking back... we were done that very day in my mind. Had the sex not been so awesome, I probably would have bailed earlier, which is why I don't want to get stuck in that trap again.

Sheesh... sorry for the vent... that's been sitting in there a long time...