The email I won't send

Apr. 14, 2007 - 8:59 am

The thing is, normally I would sit on this and revise it a half-dozen times, even though I know I won't send it... but I'm just going to post it in the hopes it will help it leave my brain... trying something different, rather than dwelling.

Damn, you were right, Sue...

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;P

Dear Lisa,

Seeing you for dinner on Wednesday was really amazing... it was wonderful to catch up and hear about the wonderful changes in your life, many of them due to your own introspection and realizations.

What has not been so amazing has been my state of mind due to our interactions since then. I find this very strange; I know I have made no bones to you about the fact that the personal and personality differences which led to our breakup last year are still very evident to me, and I see no way I would ever want to rekindle a romantic relationship with you, were you even amenable to one. I've been very clear and upfront about that with us both. I don't think it's due to any defect in either of us, but insurmountable differences. Just the way it is.

I hope you understand, then, why I will not answer the phone when you call, and why this is the only email I will be sending in response to you. I do not play games; I am sure you recall that, and there have been times when I feel I have been played over the last several days. It is not good for me emotionally.

I want to say I wish you the best, and I do, but really... what does it really matter in the big scheme of things? Or even the *little* scheme? We are not a part of each other's lives, and the whole point of this email is to let you know (again) that we will not be. I still feel like you are completely settling in your love life (the caveats every time you talk about this guy scream it out loud and clear), but again... what does it matter? If I am wrong, you will be happy and get your heart's greatest desire, a wedding ring. If I am right, then you don't have enough emotionally invested there to get hurt. Either way... no effect upon me or my life.

That being said, of course I still care about you. It's hard for me to get past, this feeling of love. I wish that was enough for an "us," but it's not. Realizing it and acting on it is what I must do. I do wish you the best, but my wishes (and whether or not things turn out 'best" for you) will have absolutely no effect on each other's lives, as we're not a part *of* each other's lives. Nor should we be.

So there ya go...

- J