13 months already?

Apr. 11, 2007 - 10:15 pm

My Dad's wife collects old dolls; my dad even travels around the country with her to conventions; it's her passion, and he is passionate about her. When Lisa and I were together (wow... has it been 13 months already since we broke up???), she brought one of her grandmother's wrecked dolls over for my stepmom to look at, and possibly see about getting fixed. Terri (the stepmom)hung onto it after Lisa and I broke up, and at my birthday asked me if she could get Lisa's phone number so she could get it back to her. I told her I'd come and get it, which the Boys and I finally did on Friday.

Friday I took the day off since the Boys had Easter break, and in the morning, I emailed Lisa, letting her know that since I would be over in that direction picking *up* her doll, I was going to bring it by, since it would get just as wrecked in my garage as it would in my Dad's. As some of you may recall, she didn't want to even hear the sound of my voice after we broke up, let alone see me. I told her I would just have Connor run it up to her door, but apparently in the year since our last email she had gotten past that, and said she'd be happy to see us all, and show us the changes around her place.

We wound up crossing paths; I don't think she was avoiding me, since she called later that afternoon and left a message. We couldn't remember each others' phone numbers, but finally she sent me an email with hers right before she called me (having remembered mine). She asked me to call her anytime, we could get caught up, blah blah.

And I did... today, finally... 5 days later, which is very atypical of me. Usually Johnny-on-the-spot with that sort of crap. We talked for quite a while, until she had to go into a meeting, then she called me back, until I had to head into one. She's apparently done a lot of personal soulsearching and self-improvement type stuff, and hasn't been dating until recently; there's a guy she's been seeing for about three weeks apparently (and I have apparently made "tall guys" one of her requirements... go figure), which is the first more-than-"fling" she has had since we broke up. I told her that I had gotten no urge to date, about my asking the gal at work out and the psycho soccer mom, but that I hadn't touched a woman since I hugged her goodbye that last time.

It was really nice, and I sent her an email telling her that, and saying that I would really love to see her for lunch or something (not a date, I kept telling us both) just to see her and get caught up in person. At her convenience, if she thought it was OK, and if not, that was fine too.

I told her I was in a conference next week, so she suggested in a couple weeks. That swiftly changed to tomorrow night, and when I got home she called and suggested in 45 minutes.

Well, I *had* said whenever, so I grabbed my keys and headed over to the sushi bar. I figured I'd want to be there early to grab some liquid courage.

I wasn't nervous at all until about halfway over, but I will admit that it was a little eerie thinking about her with a guy even taller than me... hey; *I* am the only one she's supposed to enjoy climbing, right? ;P

But... she got there, and looked great. We had a *really* nice dinner, and an even better conversation. She's going to church weekly now, her (almost 13 year old) daughter is still a PITA, her mom has recently gotten much worse (although she has lasted a year longer than anyone said she would), she has done much introspection, and she bought a house in Tucson she is renting out.

She talked a little bit about her new beau, and wants to give things with him a chance. I seriously didn't go there with the intention of getting back with her, but I could tell she's sort of "settling" with this guy. She's had a couple weekend flings since we broke up (she was always *much* more sexual than I was), and this is the first longer than that. I don't think it will last, but I'm not *hoping* it won't... I just want what is best for her.

And yeah, that's a platitude, but a true one... I told her something I said I wouldn't, that I probably had never stopped loving her. It's not an easy thing for me to get over, that feeling of love, and even though we ended things on a bad note, it was pretty wonderful for a long, long while. Her response: "you have a funny way of showing it." True enough; the breakup was pretty brutal. And there have been a lot of times I haven't thought of her for weeks, then thought badly, then thought well. The cycle continues.

We were sitting in a booth, and she came over after a while and sat next to me, putting her hand on my leg (but no further... like I said, she's very physical). And yes, I told her I was going to kiss her and I did... for just a second.

I remembered her sake, I remembered her favorite sushi, and I ordered a take-home of her daughter's favorite.

But I also was reminded quite a bit of her judgmentalism... how she always thought she knew better than me what I was doing wrong and what was best for me and my Boys. And the more I sit here and think about it, the more I type about it, the more those thoughts of this evening come forward... how even though she has gone through all these wonderful stages of self-improvement and self-awareness (and it's really, really apparent), she still is trying to tell me that my alone time *wasn't* good for me, that I need to let it all go, and move forward and never look back... to me that seems to be not learning from what went on before; a history doomed to repeat itself if unlearned from.

But sometimes you just need to do what is right for you. I know that I have been doing very well. We each have our way of dealing with things, and my alone time has been mine. Her church, meetings, seminars, work has been hers; I don't begrudge her her healing methods, and she shouldn't begrudge me mine.

It was, in all, really, really wonderful, though. And although it may have been a combination of the booze and (my) not having gotten laid (or so much as touched, which I told her earlier) in 13 months, we made out in the parking lot, even if only for about 5 minutes (which wouldn't have even counted as foreplay for us 2 years ago). But that's it.

It takes time, that's all... she really looked and felt great, though.