where do the kids wishes fit in?

Feb. 28, 2006 - 7:56 am

It seems as though the next phase of my life (and my relationship with the GF) has begun already. Here we are, after 2&1/2 years together while this interminable divorce plodded along, and we're now having issues with family integration.

For a little background, my Divorce was final last August (...and there was much rejoicing...), but TheX didn't move until the end of January of this year, as she was still trying to take the house from me... the house which had been in my family for four generations. There are still outstanding money issues, but that will be taken care of soon. Not at issue here; just putting out a timeline.

For two years, we didn't even *try* and integrate my Boys into this post-divorce life because, well... we *weren't* divorced. Although legally separated, we lived under the same roof while fighting for the house (and as difficult as you might imagine that was... multiply it by about 10,000 and you'd be in the ballpark). The GF and I met at the beginning of our separation... we both admit I shouldn't have been dating so soon, but I don't really regret it; I love her and my marriage was over. I doubt the divorce would have taken so long had I not had my GF in the picture, as TheX was making it take longer in the hopes the GF would lay down an ultimatum and make me give up on the house. TheX doesn't realize that most people don't handle interpersonal relationships the way she does (read: not at all), and the GF stood by me, even though she *did* want me to get it over with in any way possible.

But talking to TheGF last night about these family integration issues... I guess her kids (mainly her 11-year old daughter) are having issues. Some of these were brought to a head on my birthday and my reaction to what happened, but I think it's mainly the reaction of an 11-year old girl to her mom getting serious about a relationship. I don't have a helluva lot of practice in dealing with young girls (don't go there), but one thing I have noticed is the Princesshood has been getting more pronounced in her, and it's more than annoying.

Her issues deal in particular with the GF and my displays of affection (which are pronounced and passionate... we are both extremely adoring and enjoy expressing that to each other), as well as that she seems to thing that I am attempting to replace her father in *her* life.

The first is just something she is going to have to deal with; I am a passionate guy, and kissing her mother will continue, period. The latter issue is almost amusing; I have specifically attempted *not* to appear like I am attempting to replace her father. Of course, who knows what might be going on in the mind of an 11-year old girl; she hasn't lived with her father since he and her mom got their own divorce, when she was 3 or 4. Also, if you look up the word "selfish" in the dictionary, I think you will get a picture of a child about to enter Jr High.

This came about in a conversation the GF had at her kids' request Sunday night. This in itself is a good thing; I myself have told the Boys that if they ever need to talk with me about *anything* I am right there for them. I have a lot of work to do on my own methods of interacting with the Boys (and apparently with her kids as well), and I hope at some point to have a relationship with my kids similar to the one she has with hers, where concerns can be brought out in the spirit of openness.

At least that was my initial reaction... my own thoughts were that of *course* the kids are going to be concerned about the seriousness of our relationship; they see it, and my Boys haven't been around us enough to really see it themselves. That integration has begun, and I was hoping for it to go as smoothly as the one between me and her kids has (or so I thought) over the last 2 years. There just hasn't been the time yet with the Boys that I have had with the GFs family. But when the GF said that maybe we need to pull back a bit; do things just the two of us and take a break integrating the families, I thought... "are you letting this spoiled child dictate who you will see and how?" Hey; I have no problem with pulling back; in fact, I think it will do me a lot of good to be less attached at this point in time. But kowtowing to the concerns of someone who is basically by definition going to look out for themselves at the expense of others, well... that's not good.

It's sad because up until a couple months ago, her daughter and I had what I considered a pretty good relationship. It's something the GF and I need to address, with a specific scenario such as this: Suppose the daughter, deciding that she didn't like me any more at all, came up to the GF and said that she had talked to her father, and made arrangements to live with him if the GF didn't dump me. What would she do?

I know of one person in particular reading this who is probably just shaking her head at the whole Stepfamily Connection aspect of all this... it's just the beginning, isn't it? It's something I'm going to get to "look forward to" for a long time to come? As my oldest online friend, I value your input... particularly on this subject.

We need to iron out these family integration issues. The kids (all four of them!) will definitely have thoughts and input, but the *decisions* need to be made by the adults. I can completely see taking their concerns to heart, but not letting them force our decisions. They have legitimate concerns which will affect their lives and change the living situation the three of them have had for years. I don't want to say what will happen should the GF not see that they have input but not decision making ability; I'd rather address the issue first, and see where it leads us. However, her thoughts and direction in the aftermath of the talk with her kids doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence.

Of course, since this "pulling back" thing will allow me time and space for myself and my Boys, not "rushing" into integrating these families will be a definite plus. Perhaps I shouldn't be looking at this gift horse too closely, since it (for now) aligns with something that is good for me as well. But if this is how things are going to go in the future, I need to take a pretty clear-eyed look at how (and if) things are going to move forward.

Make no mistake; I love this woman very much... I think I said before how I know that we are each the best thing that has happened to us both. I just need to learn how to negotiate and deal with someone... I have a 20-year history of not doing that, simply because it was like bashing my head against a brick wall with someone who had no interest whatsoever in being an active part of a relationship. My own relationship "skills" (such as they were to begin with) have atrophied due to complete disuse. I want and need to interact well (and better) with her and others. As time goes by, and practice ensues, we'll see where I am on that particular little quest.