finally a reply

Feb. 22, 2006 - 10:13 am

While the Boys were getting ready for school this morning, I did a little of the surfing I sometimes do at work. No email from the GF yet; haven't heard anything since Friday morning.

I was gathering up things of hers (as well as a check for the curtains she had bought me) and was going to UPS them over, asking her to hold on to my things until she can send or bring them by. I was talking to a guy at work here about her, and he mentioned that since we have had these breakups before, I might not want to close the door by doing these things, and he was right. So I figured I'd hang onto them for a week or so, and then send them off.

An email exchange on this subject with a friend of mine got me to thinking, though... it really seems on these occasions when we have really hurt each others feelings, that it was me who did the soul-searching to understand what I had done to hurt her, and made the appropriate apologies. On that one occasion when she said something really hurtful (which some here may remember... the "it's no wonder you're getting divorced" line), her apology was Durbinesque in the "I'm sorry what I said hurt your feelings" vein, again putting the onus on my reaction rather than on what she said.

Up to this point, I haven't removed pictures, her number from my cellphone, or the love charms on my keyring. On previous occasions, I did just that. I would also spend the time thinking about the wonderfulness of our relationship, and how much I missed her.

This time though... I seem to be spending more time thinking about the negatives. About her judgmentalism in how I have handled certain aspects of raising my Boys, for instance. In her "input" to the decorating of my house, which at times has bordered on insistence to doing things her way. For example... she's a realtor, and one night we were sitting at my house, and she (as realtors do) was commenting on what might be a selling point on the house, and what might not be.

Now, I totally understand the reasoning... it's realtor-esque to do that, and she *does* want this house sold eventually... when we both sell our houses to buy one together. But she started just matter-of-fact talking about how so many people would come in and just "rip out that wall unit..." This is the piece of woodworking *art* that I am most proud of making, and she just dismissed it completely out of hand.

That's just one example of the things that have been swirling around my brain while I awaited her reply... which I received when I got in to work this morning.

I don't think much of it; it's still one of those things placing the onus on me, although I got an "In hind sight, I can see that it hurt you, and for that I am sorry." So at least she's making progress.

But I'm not sure what to feel about this... I need to sit on it overnight and think about what I want to do, or if I want to do anything. I'm glad I didn't send the box yesterday, but I won't reply to anything today.

What I think I need is time... time by myself, time with my mind and my thoughts... time *alone.* Alone even when the Boys are around, so that I can concentrate my time on them.

We'll see.